General: Just received an anonymous e-mail (2024)

Informing me that my WW has been on Ashley Madison for the last 6 months, "meeting and sleeping with various men" and telling them how much she hates me and how I betrayed her (by telling the OBS, instead of "having her back")

We argued/talked until 4 a.m.

I'd type more, but I don't want to wake her up...i'm going on a long bike ride now to think

I feel for you.

Was there any truth to the email? That would decide where to go from here.

Stay strong. (((hugs)))

I am so sorry, Feb 8. Did you look on Ashley Madison for her profile? Did she admit to it?

BW (me) & FWH both over half a century; married several decades; children
d-day 3/10; LTA (7 years?)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak." ~ Homer Simpson

How awful for you

Keep leaning on us for support. So many here can relate to what you are feeling.

Oh no ((((Feb))))

I'm so so sorry. Looks like she just blew her last chance.

Do you have your plan in place for what you are going to do after you verify if it is true?

((((Feb))))

God man. I was following your story from day one.

Where we last left things, she had suffered no consequences and you were living as a "best friend" while raising the kids.

What in the world are you still doing with this poisonous creature living in your house?

BTW: what is there to argue about? Either she's been pimping herself out or she hasn't.

[This message edited by etaoin at 7:39 AM, July 3rd (Tuesday)]

I am so sorry Feb.

Can you verify it? Is it possible for her to be fitting hookups into your family schedule?

It is hard to believe that someone can inflict such damage to their family, ignore that damage, make herself the victim and then find an even more shallow way to continue it.

Your wife, IMO, has never been able to get past her own loss. The group of riders. Her identity within that group. She considers THAT loss and the humiliation she suffered to be THE priority.

It hasn't changed. If the email is true-- she just found, a new, disgusting way to act out her need for attention and validation.

And punish you. Cause YOU caused all this... by telling. For her that is.

It just sucks. I am so sorry that you have to go through this crap again.

Damn dude, if that is true, it really really sucks. If she has been on Ashley Madison, then "meeting and sleeping with various men" is the reason. I f*cking hate that web site.

I'd put a keylogger on anything you can, start looking for secret e-mail accounts where she would get her notifications. Go into PI mode.

Again, damn. Just the thought of that website makes my blood boil.

BAck from my "long " ride...it was only 2 hours. Before all this, that would have been a short one, but as cycling was something we shared, its been a casualty of this too, as I often lack motivation, or can't handle the fact that I associate it with her, with us, with frineds and acquaintances who now know too much

needy kids..will type more soon

(((((Feb))))) I am SO sorry.

Did she come clean when you confronted?

I am so sorry. What a kick in the gut

I simply couldn't keep it to myself, so we argued, talked etc until 3:30 a.m.

She admitted to the account, to "chatting" and to meeting two men in a restaurant in the mall, but insists it went no further. Then she cried like I've never seen her before (either genuine or Oscar-worthy) about loneliness, putting the family at risk, suicidal thoughts etc. For the first time since this all began , she really said Sorry over and over and meant it. Very believable, yet not, iykwim.

Full disclosure: Some of you may remember her suggesting "Open". On or about Feb 12, 2011, on <1 hour sleep in 4 days, I opened an Ashley Madison account (her suggestion). Although I chatted to a few women, I never took it anywhere near the next step (suggesting a meeting, explicit talk, etc.). I stopped going on sometme after getting out of the BS fog, and closed it sometime after that. She knows about this, and is using it to justify her behaviour.

She has accused me several times of having an A, and seems genuinely surprised when I look her STRAIGHT IN THE EYES and tell her that I haven't...in fact she looks disappointed.

Keylogger...been there, done that...she found out, it caused a big fight etc. I am waiting for a follow-up email that might help me figure out what has happened.

One more troubling thing....whoever wrote it, knows quite a bit

"As you know, she had a long affair with another biker (or two) in your ..."

When I confronted her over the "two" (she has always denied the second one, insisting it was just talk that went too far), she didn't say much other than to sya that there were two she couldn't ride with.

Kids again...and I may go out for the day soon.

THANK YOU everyone who has responded...I had hoped to be paying it forward by know, a wise veteran who had made it through....damn.

I am going to ask you the same question I asked myself on d-day#2

How much more do you need to know?

If you are not Done, if you still want to somehow find a path to R, then you need to decide what you require for that to happen. Once you know what you require then you need to inform her of those requirements or she will lose you. And by "lose you" I'm not talking about D, or the family or any the other fallout from S or D. I'm talking you, your love and emotional investment in her. Because I can tell you one thing, if you're not Done already then it is coming. Many times we BS don't even know exactly when it will hit, but when it did with me it changed me to my core. She may not believe it will happen, or even be thinking about it, but she needs to start.

[This message edited by Brandon808 at 9:01 AM, July 3rd (Tuesday)]

You should sit her down and advise that you need the full truth before you have the ability to make a decision about the future. That with her lies you have lost trust in what she says. If she sticks with the story ask her to take a polygraph and advise as to what will take place if she fails it. Also, ask her who she has told about the AM account, with you getting an email, that means she has told someone that also knows you. Partner in crime?

Also, ask her who she has told about the AM account, with you getting an email, that means she has told someone that also knows you. Partner in crime?

I have to disagree. It wouldn't be that difficult to get your email address. Clearly they know a lot about her, but if she is talking so much to her AP's then it shows she isn't really being disceet either. They sent it anonymously and you may never hear from them again. Who sent the email is irrelevent to what she is doing anyway.

((((Feb))))

So she's pretty much verified it. The crying? I'm betting on Oscar. I mean yeah, sure, she IS probably really sad, but not sad that she has blown up your M (again) and violated your trust, hurt you and the kids, etc....she's really sad that she doesn't get to eat cake any more. That SHE might have to suck it up for a bit. etc. She's sorry sorry sorry that she might have just f*cked herself out of her cushy life. Boo f*cking hoo.

I am so very sorry for your pain. I know you didn't want things to go this way, but she clearly does not value you or your M. You are not now - and most likely never have been - in R with her. Work on detaching further and gathering your strength for the next steps.

I had hoped to be paying it forward by know, a wise veteran who had made it through....damn

Hey Feb - just because you don't R does not mean that you won't be a wise veteran, and that you won't have made it through. You are still in the middle of all of it now, so ease off a little on yourself (ever heard of it taking 2-5 YEARS to heal from infidelity??). Keep putting one foot in front of the other.

You WILL make it through this. You will. Hang in there, and keep leaning on us.

((((Feb))))

My STBX found his OW on ashleymadison. It is part of the reason why R was not possible for me. That my STBX could purposely go on such an immoral, degrading website and deliberately seek out an AP on there made it very clear to me that there wasn't anything left to save in our M.

Obviously, you need to make your own choices, but ashleymadison is different from a WS having an A with a co-worker or friend, IMHO (not saying that finding someone elsewhere is better or easier... just less pre-meditated, I guess). Just something to think about.

Then she cried like I've never seen her before (either genuine or Oscar-worthy) about loneliness,

This pisses me off for you, Feb, because you are right there, you have always been right there. She is the one who isolates herself from you by not being real.

I wouldn't doubt that the e-mail you received is from a very close friend of hers that can't stand to see you being played a fool. Sometimes WS's do have friends with integrity.

BW (me) & FWH both over half a century; married several decades; children
d-day 3/10; LTA (7 years?)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak." ~ Homer Simpson

So she got mad about the keylogger?

No transparency.

Do you have passwords to her cell and computer?

If not, no transparency.

Poly?

I know that a BS brain can only take so much. I also know that you right now THINK you want R. But you will never really know unless you get the above things and you get them willingly. Someone who wants true R will do everything for you...it will be quite clear.

Fear is holding you back right now but you WILL get to the point where it will not be OK for you...TT and gaslighting is a death by a thousand cuts. But the only one who can stop it is you.

So sorry you had to find that out...I tend to believe it or at least the essance of it.

Stop expecting loyalty from people who cannot even give you honesty.

He stopped being my husband the first time he cheated. It took me awhile to understand that I was no longer his wife.

Sorry Feb, but you know she's a liar!!! Get tested for stds, HIV......consult with your lawyer. Protect yourself and your children.