Just Found Out: My story (2024)

I apologize, but I know there's lots of good advice in the threads that exist. I just had trouble reading too much of it...I found out yesterday (went snooping on her computer) and haven't slept or eaten since. we have 3 kids, and are just getting by financially so leaving seems like a really bad option. Also I do still love her, and according to her she loves me but isn't physically attracted to me (not a shock to me, although I am in great shape, fitter than when we married) I want to work it out, but right now I find myself thinking of leaving (her, not the kids)

I should have added the most important and disturbing part. She says its over, that the OM is also horrified that it happened (married with two young kids), BUT they are part of a large circle of skiing and biking friends that have been very important to her, and she does not want to give them up. I know it goes against all advice, but I can't see forcing that issue, as uncomfortable as it will make me. Trust, right?

Wrong- for you to heal and even attempt to rebuild your M she will need to have NC with the AP.

If you look at what everyone on here has gone through you will notice a trend... those who still work with the OP have a more difficult time getting into full R. Those who still see the OP socially have a horrible time with R... and many times the WS falls into the old habits- see posts about how they gaslight, continue to talk to each other, go undergound, etc.

You are so new to this that you need to use all the experiences we have had as your guide. She must go NC for you to fully heal,forgive, and move forward.

Also be aware that the truth you have now is unlikely to be the full truth- and the OM's wife really needs to know- tell her asap or this A could go underground. There are several small children involved- the spouse needs to know.

Thanks, I know that, but it may be the deal-breaker so I'm not ready to demand it. As for telling the OM's wife, I couldn't put her through what I'm going through. I am considering contact with the OM though, although my wife doesn't want me to.

Welcome Feb 8! You found the right place.

You just found out yesterday. Your mind and body are in shock. This is not the time to make any decisions about going or staying. Right now, focus on the basics: sleeping, eating, drinking water.

according to her she loves me but isn't physically attracted to me

That is the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" speech. Many BS get that speech at one time or another-I heard it, too. It is on page 1 of the WS handbook.

As far as the skiing/biking friends, only you know what you will be comfortable with. Be honest with yourself. What do you need? And remember, you may ask for what you need, but your WW may not give it to you.

Focus on breathing. You will survive. You will get through this.

Look, I was completely crushed. Completely. I was pregnant with my 4th kid. It was a double betrayal -- turns out my "best friend" who my WH had introduced me to 7 years prior, as a friend of his from college, my son's best friend, was actually my husband's lover and had been for TWENTY years.

The shock is overwhelming. You feel paralyzed. You don't want to ask for anything if you don't know if you want to R because that wouldn't be FAIR.

Well ... you're the only person here with any sense of FAIRNESS!

I'm going to tell you the absolute truth here. You need to protect yourself. Especially if you want to reconcile. As a man, the only way your WW is going to respect you again is if you come down on her HARD RIGHT NOW. And even if you don't want R, you need to parent your kids with her.

Do these things:

(1) Take half of everything you own and put it in a bank account she can't touch. Keep records. Make a copy of today's bank statement from every account right before and after the transfer.

(2) Take her off any of your credit cards she's an authorized user on.

(3) Put her stuff in the basem*nt or on the street and kick her out of your room.

(4) Call a lawyer RIGHT NOW to see if you can make her move, get custody of the kids for yourself, and make her pay child support.

(5) Hire a PI to go over your computer, her phone, to follow her for evidence...

(6) Tell OM's BW. Be factual. Give evidence. Then, make sure both your WW and OM know you told his BW.

(7) Do NOT be alone with your WW and keep a VAR on you -- many WW's make false abuse accusations to get the kids away from their BH's.

(8) Don't pay any bills that are only in her name.

The reason we are here is so that you learn from our mistakes. But one thing I've seen a lot is that a BH needs to take a much harder line than a BW -- it's just basic sexual differences. I think BW's usually benefit from taking a hard line too -- but a BH especially needs to in order to reassert his masculinity with his WW.

Good luck. There's a really good thread for Betrayed Men in I Can Relate, those men are very, very smart.

Feb8,

Are these biking/skiing friends part of HER circle of friends or part of BOTH of your circle of friends? If it's just her circle, I'd definitely want her to leave that group. If they are mutual friends, you can work as a team to build a new group of friends. Either way, I don't think you need to feel bad about wanting her to disassociate from that group...if that's what YOU decide is best for you.

My fear is that you're setting yourself up for years of this type of behavior if your WW continues to socialize with a group of friends that include the OM. You're right...it may be a deal breaker for her in terms of staying in your M. But, if that's her ultimate choice, it lets you know where she stands...her "friends" over her family (you and your children).

If she doesn't feel any remorse or regret for keeping those friends, she's already telling you where your feelings rank...and while it sucks to hear, in some way it makes it easier for you to make the decisions that are best for YOU and YOUR children. Settling for 2nd best for the next 15 - 20 years until your children are out of the house seems like a huge and unfair price to expect YOU to pay.

TIME is your friend right now...you don't have to make any permanent decisions this second. I do think the OM's wife should know...and that is the overwhelming sentiment of everyone on this board. It's only fair to her to know the true status of her marriage.

Good luck bro! We're here when you need us.

I also got the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" line in the beginning. Thinking about that whole conversation still makes my blood boil. Anyway...it's early days for you yet. In the first few days after WH confessed his A, I also didn't make many demands. I was so shocked and grateful that he was willing to stay and try to work on the marriage. It took a few days for me to realize that our marriage would be a total sham if I didn't learn to speak up about what I needed in order for this to work.

So, as others have already said, take care of yourself and gather your strength. I firmly believe there has to be NC but it may take you a little while to see that and feel strong enough to demand it.

Keep posting - it really helps.

I can totally relate. My WW found the OM in a running group that she has been pa part of for about 2 years. I was not part of that group and had no jealousies or suspicions about it until stuff started seeming wrong.

I'm only 2 weeks from my Dday. I was where you are 2 weeks ago. I know it sucks sooooooo bad.

My wife said the exact same things your is saying too. I'm not in love with you anymore. I don't find you attractive. etc...

Being here at SI, I think it's almost comical how they all say the same crap to us to somehow justify what they're doing.

Do protect yourself and your kids though. That should be priority #1 right now.

I would vote for telling the other BW. Don't you think she has the right to know what's going on. Wouldn't you want her to let you know if she knew? Enough with all the hiding and lies.

You just found out. give yourself some time to regain your equilebrium and then start deciding what you really want to do.

Stay strong!

I can totally relate, friend.

the first couple of days are going to be a surrealistic experience. each new piece of information regarding the affair is a new stab wound to the heart. like what everyone else is saying, don't make any decisions right now. you have just been damaged by the most damaging event a man will ever experience, if there's ever a time to show your true inner strength, this is it.

keep breathing, eat when you can, sleep when you can, exercise when you can.

Feb...

Welcome to SI...and sorry you had to join us...

Have you read the "healing library"?? its in the yellow box on the left side of this screen...please do.

Rule #1 for BSs...cheaters lie. At this point in my FWWs A, i did not believe anything she said - cheaters lie...

and according to her she loves me but isn't physically attracted to me

Rule #1 for WS...this is bullsh*t...and its nothing more than WS justification for cheating on their spouse..(come on bro..."if the affair partner is HOT its ok to cheat"???).

You know who the OM is...and his wife??

If you want the A to end...she needs to know...tell her. You then have another pair of eyes on the APs...and he'll (the OM) be scrambling to apease his wife - he wont have the time or inclination to be jumpin' on yours...

As for telling the OM's wife, I couldn't put her through what I'm going through.

You havent put her through jack..you have done NOTHING wrong....her H cheated on her...dont help him keep his little secret...this will also asure NC with your wife.

She says its over,

Did she confess the affair?? Or did you "bust" them?...it wasnt over, bro...sorry.

that the OM is also horrified that it happened

Really??? horrified he got caught???...

Feb...im NOT trying to beat ya up here...OK? This A sh*t blows....

Your DDay was yesterday...sorry man...this takes time to get through...now sure if ya ever got over it...

Remember...none of this is your fault, you have zero blame in your Ws decision to cheat on you.

Cheaters lie...blameshift, rewrite maritial history, pull the soulemate card, etc to "justify" the affair..

R is not an option if the APs are in "ANY CONTACT" whatsoever....while they are even talking...it aint gonna work!!! NC needs to be in place before R...

Also...

She says its over,

Did she show true remorse? Actions speak louder than words...what do her actions say?

Infidelity was the hardest thing i have ever had to deal with....it isnt gonna be over quickly..several months or even years...get ready for a long ride...

I know that sometimes im accused of being abit brutal in my responses...Affairs are brutal, and i refuse to candycoat it...but, you will survive one way or another...

Take a deep breath...eat something...try to rest....

Keep us posted....

Bufffalo

[This message edited by bufffalo at 10:45 AM, February 9th (Wednesday)]

Feb8-

You can't make any big decisions on the future of your marriage right now, it doesn't work that way so don't try. Just take care of yourself as others have posted. Day by day right now.

The one thing that you are going to hear over and over from everyone here is the ABSOLUTE NECESSITY of telling this OM's BW. You feel you don't want to bring pain to someone else, but that is the exact wrong way to look at this. She deserves to know, so she can start the healing process with her WH. Would you like to know, or would you like to be in the dark while your WW was cheating on you?

Once she knows, it blows-up this whole fantasy land relationship they have, puts light on the whole ugly situation, and real R can hopefully begin. Without this, you are just wasting your time man, seriously, please understand that.

YOU didn't cause any pain, THEIR actions did.

Wow. Thanks so much. I think I may either be in denial, or perhaps my wife is still basically the good person I have always believed she was, and she mad a mistake. Not every cheater is a liar. OK, ready for the tough love.

Not every cheater is a liar

Actually, yes...they are. They cant cheat without lying.

[This message edited by Kamkim at 11:20 AM, February 9th (Wednesday)]

I'll echo what others have said. One day into this, you're not thinking straight. Right now you're in a type of shock and your first reaction is to hang on to what (you think) you have with your heart and both hands. You don't want to feel you can be replaced. We've all been there. I've seen 3 MCs and NONE of them expressed any words of wisdom compared to what I've read here. Over 31,000 people belong to this site. ALL have practical experience. How much practical experience do most counselors have. I mean "been through it" experience.

You said it's hard to read these postings. Force yourself. This is REAL knowledge and advice THAT WORKS! Do NOT take it lightly. A simple slap on the hand and an "I'm sorry" aren't going to work. I've been here since 8/09. I've followed BS threads from Just found out to Reconcilliation. This advice is GOOD and it's free!

Read everything in the healing library. Listen to Buffalo. Waywards lie about everything. They minimize there involvement. I don't know how many member (including myself) got the "it only happened once" line then went P.I. and discovered a LOT more. You're wife has a very long journey if she really wants to reconcile. She needs to do ALL the hard work discovering what flaw within her allowed her to betray your vows. If she can't find that weakness and address it then it's going to happen again. maybe not tomorrow or next month but she'll be vulnerable.

Don't believe a word she tells you about OM. She's protecting him as well as herself.

TELL OM'S WIFE! Doesn't she deserve that amount of respect? Shouldn't she be allowed to have a say in her own future? Do you think this is the 1st time OM has cheated on her and it was all just a "huge mistake?"

This whole affair (and yes, it is an affair whether they call it a one night stand or whatever)was carefully planned out by the both of them. Planning the location of the meet. Where to stash the car. What lies to tell to cover there tracks. I don't buy the "horrified" bullsh*t from either one.

As said read the "Healing Library" go to a bookstore and get "Not Just Friends."

It's going to be a rough ride and your marriage can survive but it has to be done properly with accountibility on her part, or the wound will fester for years.

As far as the social group. Disassociation is the price she will have to pay for her infidelity. (PERIOD)

Good Luck!

[This message edited by cuckhold at 11:22 AM, February 9th (Wednesday)]

Oh, my fellow Canadian...so sorry to see you here.

Listen, every cheater is a liar. Every cheater is selfish and sneaky.

You must tell the OM's wife, for health reasons if nothing else. She has as much right as you do to make informed decisions about her life, her health, her marriage, her family and her finances. Not telling makes you complicit in the A. You should know that telling her does not make you the cause of her pain. You are the bearer of bad news, to be sure, but OM and your WW will be the cause of her pain, not you.

You must get tested for STDs immediately. You don't know if this is your WW's first A, if it's OM's first A, or even if OM's BW is faithful. What I've learned from reading here for several years now is that APs almost never use condoms, even when the AP is a stripper or prostitute. Scary stuff!

Your WW must go NC with OM, express remorse (through actions, not just words) and be completely transparent for R to even be on the table. Read up on the 180 and implement it (see The Healing Library in the yellow menu on the left side of the screen).

Btw, when caught, they almost all say it's already over or they were just about to end it. It's part of the script they follow, meant to minimize harm to themselves and their AP.

You've come to a great place for advice and support. Keep reading. And do not neglect your health in the days ahead. You have to stay healthy for your kids! Eat. Stay hydrated. Exercise. Try to get some sleep.

I think I may either be in denial, or perhaps my wife is still basically the good person I have always believed she was, and she mad a mistake. Not every cheater is a liar. OK, ready for the tough love.

Hard to believe, isn't it? I still don't believe it and I'm still in denial. If you do what these folks are telling you to do, you will save yourself unnecessary pain and put a quick end (for real) to this particular affair.

One thing people don't talk about on here that I think is valuable for new BH's is coming to grips with the laws of female attraction and hypergamy. This really comes into play when the family is in financial straits.

Since you are already in good shape, you may have a chance to regain your wife's interest. Flirt with other women in front of her and let her see other women are attracted to you. Become mysterious about your comings and goings. When she sees you have options other than her and you may be willing to exercise those options, it may light her fire. Then again, maybe not. Usually when women decide they are done, they're really done, and attraction doesn't return. It's worth a try, though.

These female traits are what male predators understand and exploit. Google "seduction community" and start learning what the bad guys know. Also google "relationship game" and "married man sex life" to learn how to use these tools for good.

Once you comprehend that your understanding of females is all built on myth, and you replace that myth with an understanding of female biological imperative, you can go forward quickly.

In the meantime, follow the instructions you're getting. Tell OMW today and you blow up the affair today. Start swaggering (yes, I know you don't feel like swaggering - but fake it until you make it.) You have to turn yourself into an actor playing a role. I know that sounds nutty, and it's pretty much impossible for now while you still have that falling elevator feeling in your gut, but just do it.

[This message edited by palerider at 11:53 AM, February 9th (Wednesday)]

I'm so sorry you are here and are hurting. I know how devastating it is.

However ....

As for telling the OM's wife, I couldn't put her through what I'm going through.

So you'd rather her find out later, and realize that you knew and never told her and therefore also betrayed her? She deserves to know. Wouldn't you want her to tell you if the roles were reversed?

Secondly, she will become your ally in making sure the A is actually over and remains over.

And, do not tell your W you plan to talk to her or OM - you risk her warning them and making you out to be the crazy jealous husband.

She says its over, that the OM is also horrified that it happened

Oh, "she" says it's over. "She" says he's horrified. That's good, because she's been so honest about it up until you found out.

No offense, but the WS will say anything to justify the A, save their own ass, protect the OP and dodge blame. This is not the woman you think you know - believe me.

Trust, right?

Sorry. She has to earn that back. You have no good reason to trust anything she says or does right now unless she shows remorse, goes NC and does everything she can to help you heal and repair your M.

Sorry to be harsh but, you need to realize, being the nice guy is going to get you nowhere.

Best of luck.

Not every cheater is a liar.

The act of cheating was a lie.

Not telling you she cheated was a lie.

When you confronted her, did she admit it right away? Or did she lie initially?

And believe me, she was not completely honest with you about the A. She confirmed what you know, but she did not tell you everything. It's human nature, it's WS nature and, yes it sucks royally.

Sorry to be harsh but, you need to realize, being the nice guy is going to get you nowhere.

QFT. "Nice guys finish last." - Casey Stengel, errr make that Leo Derocher

[This message edited by palerider at 12:39 PM, February 9th (Wednesday)]