Wayward Side: My Story (2024)

Hi,

I am sorry if I am little inaccurate with the language, I am not a native speaker.

I am new to this site which was suggested to me by my husband.

I have cheated on him for a long time and in different ways. I feel terrible about what I have done. To him, our family and myself. I have killed our marriage and I am trying all I can to rebuild it on honesty and transparency.

It is hard to accept what I have done. I claim all responsability for my actions and I cannot blame him.

Our relationship has always been based on weird, hurtful mechanisms. We both have a damaged past, but we love each other.

For 6 years I sustained the family, he was helpless and with no job. i carried on everything, hoping he would realize that sooner or later his help and support would become essential. No results. I have built so much anger and desperation. I felt helpless and useless.

I screamed at him, begged him, cried and called out for help, but I was always blinded by my rage and my sense of responsability so I stopped seeing love. Slowly, after moving back to my Country (we were living abroad), I started feeling like I deserved more. I was working 14 hours a day, I could only see my family an hour a day and many times not even that. After two years of struggling for money I quit my job and found one closer to home, so that i could spend some time with my husband and daughter. Shortly after this huge change (which also caused less earning and more financial problems)my mother got really sick. I had to quit my job and take care of her. She was going to die soon and she deserved to have someone who helped her in those last few months of her life.

I must say that was one of the most difficult things I have ever done. My relationship with her has always been very damaged, based on fear and obedience, of being the daughter she would have liked, instead of myself. So I can say for sure that lying and hiding were within my expertise. I had mastered that ability so that I could show her what she wanted and be myself outside her circle of power.

She never really loved me. She was abusive, psychologically more than physically. She also exposed me and my brother to all sorts of terrible things, like drugs, pedophilia, sex, masturbation, nudity, menstrual blood, violence, alcohol. We were never a happy family, we were always with someone. There was always a guest at our house and it was for long term stays. Cousins, relatives from both sides. Most of these people were nasty and violent. Some of them abused me and my brother in various ways. I cannot recall being sexually abused when I was a kid. But I must also say that I dont have many memories of my childhood. Some flashes come back every now and then. This is something that I had to deal with during 5 years of psychotherapy. My psychologist told me I was an rare case of survival in a family like mine. I was clean of drugs, which I have always refused to use. I never drank. I stayed a virgin until I was 18 and then after my first time I refused to be touched for another 3 years. Slowly I started getting self confident and allowing physcal acts with men when I was 22.

I grew up with sex everywhere in my house. relatives would have sex wherever. Some would masturbat* on the couch or in my bed, or in the one next to mine. While this was going on my mom was having a sexual relationship with my brother. He had to sleep in her bed until he turned 12. That boy was always scared of everything. Always in need of reassurance. I hated him for that. Back then I didnt really know what was going on. I got to grips with it right after SHE died.

Yes, she died 20 months ago. And I am happy she is gone. She destroyed me and my brother. My father was always a weak person. Submitted to her, like us. But he knew, and saw everything. he could have stopped her. Instead he let her free of doing all that. So, I guess he is not different.

No matter how bad she had been to me, when she got sick I decided to stay with her and help her. I thought that might be my way of winning her love and being appreciated for once in my life. Instead I got kicked away.

Since I was 16 she has always told terrible things about me to everybody. Customers of the family business, relatives, strangers. I was forbidden from having friends or going out at all. I was always alone. People would think I was giving blowj*bs at 16 because of her, or that i was stealing money from her. That I was a f*ckup because I didnt want to play piano or play tennis and become a pro player of something. I was just always so insecure and unhappy. Full of fears. Those fears I would hide behind a temper and a defensive attitude. I would attack no mater what.

After the 5 years of therapy I decided to leave my country and move to the one where I had studied at the university. I was finally happy and free. I thought.

There I met my husband. It was love at first sight. Passion and happiness. Within 6 months we moved in together. He quit his job and (beside a temporary job he had for one year) he's never worked since. I was doing ok with money, but some surprises would keep hitting me. His debts, His son which needed monthly payments and care, the trips to go see him, the extras for our daughter. And more of his debts. To be able to keep him out of jail I sold my apt. I used most of the money to pay off his debts and sustain the family. At that time I had just given birth to our daughter, I had lost my job and had no real income. I was sure this would give my husband a good reason to react, and go work. But I was wrong.

We were almost always angry at each other. I had failed in building trust within our marriage by sneaking ans hiding and getting in touch with an ex boyfriend of mine. Nothing happened I didnt cheat on myhusband back then. But it was wrong. I betrayed his trust and hurt him. In response (or shortly before this happened) he forbid me from having friends or talking to co-workers. He would come with me to work and pick me up. During breaks I had to call him and talk to him. I guess he wanted to make sure I would build relationships. But instead I felt like I did when I was a little girl.

To come back to the past two years, the ones where I started cheating: as my mother got sick I was spending every day at the hospital with her. before this happened I had already cheated the first time.

I remember little details, this drives me crazy because I want to give the full truth, but I am sure that some things are hidden within myself. I am really trying hard to get it all out and hope to get a little help on how to get there by some of you here.

The first guy was a friend of a friend. It was mostly flirting until one night we had sex in my car. This happened a month after I had decided I was not going to reach out to my husband anymore. My husband was not working, not doing much at all except playing videogamesand taking care of our daughter. Playing all night long most of the times. I had tried hard to get inbetween especially with sex. i would ask him and reach out every night after our daughter was asleep and the answers were always "i click this 20 times and then I come to you- "i need 5 turns of 10 minutes each and then i come to yo. Well that was to me a rejection. i already felt he didnt care for me. Putting his games before me was just the manifestation that I was right. So I stopped. One month after I cheated the first time. I never linked the two things as some sort of punishment. i would just tell myself I needed someone who wuld appreciate me ad want me. So id id it.

It wasnt good. It didnt make me feel better. I felt dirty and that at the end my mother had been right all along: I was a whor*. i was giving in to be what everybody thought.

Two months after this my mom got sick. I cared for her for 7 months. A couple of months into her tumor my dad got sick (he has a terrible respiratory desease)he was hospitalized and dying. Two days before he got in the hospital my daughter got very sick and almost died. I had my mom dad and daughter at the hospital. All dying. I was alone. Scared. My husband had to leave to go to his son for a serious problem. But my husband had also promised to be near me and help me during this terrible time. Instead I pushed him away. And he never helped me. i was all alone. Two of my friends made a huge difference.

My little one stayed 8 days in that H building and got out ok. But I had to keep caring for my parents. My dad stayed 4 months hospitalized and one week after he came back home mom died. The whole world crashed on me. I was doing everything I could to keep myself together. I arranged the funeral. I got fussed at by my husband the day of the funeral because I came back late and he needed to go to the airport. I had nothing to count on. I felt totally lost.

At her death I didnt know what to do. I felt scared all the time. I needed to keep the light on while I slept. i didnt want to go out. I just stayed home. Every now and then I would my husband to watch a movie. But He would say no and played his games. I guess that is when I started the serious flirting and sexting with a couple of people. At first it was nothing major, but it ended in nude pictures Some on request and some on my free will. It got further with one guy a few months after. I had sex with him. Always protected. But it was nasty. He spat on me and made me feel terrible. Recently my husband asked why I would do this with him, the spitting part. Maybe he thinks I liked it. Instead I tried all I could to deminish myself and feel lower than I was.

When I finally got out of the house i started going to a bar and would only go there, too much, almost every night, despite being tired all the time and sleepy. Ijust didnt want to stay home. The bartender became my later long term affair. I was stubborn and played a game with him. I wanted to win. I didnt even like him all that much. i felt overexcited to play that game.

In these months I had started working at the family business, which would see me there from 1 am till 7 pm. Little sleep, always tired, stressed out. My dad back to the hospital two times for 3 months each time. Bills to pay, no money. Anger. Stress. I was lost. i started drinking. I was smart about it. i would only drink a little but frequently so that the level of dizzyness would stay with me. i would hide the buzz in a baby water bottle so nobody would catch me. I got hurt a couple of times. I was run over by a car. I burned my hand heavily. I hit a car falling asleep while driving. None of this was deadly. None of this had consequences legal or financial.

I would not be able to sleep. i used to drive at night and end up around that bar. seeing the affair sometimes most of the times i would just drive around and go to work. When I was home i felt rejected and not wanted (at my own house!). I would sleep on the couch. Until i decided to sleep at my dads house as he was in the hospital. So I did. I would ses my daughter maybe one hour a day. Tired stressed out, angry and always screaming.

I carried on like that til April from october. Then my dad kicked me out of the business. I was free. I had mixed feelings of anger, failure and freedom. This is when I started thinking to end the long term affair. it took me almost two months but i did it. I ended it on my own. And all the rest. i decided I was better than that.

My husband and I started talking again. After so many lies I was afraid. Afraid he would do what he had promised for so many times: Fear was the strongest feeling I had towards him. In our 8 years together he had abused me verbally with some nasty statements as "I want to punch you till you die" or pushing me away feeling I was following him around (he is ex special forces, trained very well). he would say he wanted to leave me and take our daughter away. I was so scared. I felt totally lost

So instead of picking the truth and telling him everything I lied. Again. When confronted I lied. By omission.

Until 2 months ago. When i finally accepted his deal. The false reconciliation we had last summer was a fake and we were proven wrong in october when I had an abortion. i was pregnant and unable to carry on the pregnancy. So we decided for an abortion. I was lonely and angry. i overreacted and he left me all alone. Or at least this is how I felt. I had done it all over again. Pushed him away

Two months ago we talked. He had already started posting on this site. he confronted me again and one night I told him everything. Everything that to me was true. Instead after giving him access to all my accounts and emails and phone, getting rid of all friends and people thatwere involved in my bad behaviour ina way or another he found out more. I swore I did not remember. emails I had opened I dont even remember about. i felt terrible, because I know that I am telling him all I have. i am committing to us. i want for us to work out. I love him. He and our daughter is all I have, all that is real.

I know he is hurt, i hurt him. I made this mess. But I AM TELLING THE TRUTH. the part that scares me is not remebering it all. every now and then I thnk about it and some new stuff comes out. But how can I really control this censorship I have applied to my own memories? What can I do more to show him I am honest and I am not doing anything bad anymore? I even changed my number. I have no friends left, because I was stupid enough to let them in my dirt. I lied to all of them, including myself. But I know that for a fresh new start I need a clean ground. No contacts from the past.

I am lost sometimes. i cannot afford counselling because of money. i am still in the same position I was in all along. Work, family, responsabilities and solving this mess by showing I am truthful about our marriage.

Every now and then he says hurtful things. i try to explain that it's ok to be mad at me and angry, but I dont think it's ok to apply the same ways that hurt us in the past: screaming, pushing me, saying things like "I am going to pack and go"

We promised to be transparent, but he can do things and tell me when he feels. I am trying hard to tell him everything right away, where I am, what I am doing, every change of plan, send location to reassure him I am honest. I knwo it's going to take time. i know I probably don't even deserve a second chance. i know he is doing what he can. Yeesterday He started sending messages to my affairs. I am afraid he is going to get into trouble. I don't know why he want revenge. he told me he is goint to destroy these people in a way or another. This to me is wrong. Not because i want to protect those people, but because I see revenge as a failure. Nothing good can come from that. I see possibilities of legal problems. I see that instead of using the time to build a better relationship he cares for people that should be just cut off and left behind.

i dont know how to express this, because many times I feel misunderstood.

I am just scared. I am strong enough to live without falling back to those nasty things. Why can't he let go of the bad behaviour and threats?

I am sorry for this long story, which is not even complete or detailed. I felt I needed to give a whole picture of who I am, where I come from and what my intentions are.

Thank you

WS ONLY

[This message edited by SI Staff at 6:01 AM, February 21st (Friday)]

Hi Lara,

Welcome to SI. I'm glad you decided to start posting. You have been through a lot, and I hope you continue in IC to help your healing.

Your BS sending messages to your APs (affair partners) is something he feels he needs to do. He's angry, and that will last awhile. He needs to process and deal with the intense range of emotions he's experiencing.

Please don't tell him not to do what he feels he needs to do. Even if it's not your reason, to him all he hears is you're protecting them.

I'm glad you finally told him everything. What you need to do is consistently be truthful about everything. Every little and big thing needs to be only truth. No more lies. Doing this, for a long time, will help build back the trust.

Keep posting.

AN

Hi, thank yo ufor your reply and sorry it took me so long to repost. I must admit I was a fool. in my twisted view of giving details I have listed all sorts of nasty things about my life, except the cheating.

I have cheated in many different ways during a 2 years period. I have had a long term affair, 2 one night stands, and I have been texting nude pics to various guys.

I do feel dirty inside. I feel ashamed of all those things, I feel I would have preferred to take the good route and not fall into hell. I have cause my husband so much pain, I destroyyed everything.

Now I am at a point where I want to get it all out. I have already told everything, but some details or situations are totally blacked out inmy memory and I just cannot find a way to turn on the light on them.

I am afraid I am missing some important part. Not on who or what, just the how and why and details that made me feel it was ok and justified. I want to give those answers to my hisband...he deserves all i have and I want to find peace by remembering it all.

My husband is very understanding and supportive. he is really doing all he can. I know how much this hurts and still he is next to me holding my hand, not putting pressure but being patinet. I am really thankful for this. I am very firtunate I have him.

Is it normal to lock out something from our memories? I am writing a paper for him: my final complete statement about everything that I have done that was out of line, cheating, inappropriate behaviour and so on. It is just so hard and i catch myself in auto censorship...as if my inner self wasnt ready to let it go. But my intention is clear and I know I want it? How do I sort this out? I need help, I need counselling, both individual and for the couple. It is just not possible economically right now. My husband thinks (and i see he might be very right) I have Borderline personality disorder. Now it would not surprise me if it was indded so. I am here to face my problems and I WANT to have a happy life with my family. BUT: DO I REALLY DESERVE IT? DO I DESERVE TO BE HUGGED AND LOVED AND SMILED AT BY MY DAUGHTER AND HUSBAND after BETRAYING THEM FOR SO LONG?

Sometimes I feel I dont. I feel I deserve eternal punishment for what I have done. with all the pain and violence I had to face during my whole life, I would have never thought I would be the one doing it to people I love. I DID. In the same way my mom did it to me, In the same way I exposed my little girl to danger bringing my Long term affair into our house. pUSHING MYSELF INTO DANGEROUS SITUATIONS TILL I WANST ABLE TO GET OUT OF THEM.

One thing that relieves me is knowing that I WAS THE ONE WHO ENDED EVERYTHING BEFORE GETTING CAUGHT. I DID IT. DOEAS IT MEAN ANYTHING? IS IT A GOOD SIGN FOR ME?

I must say without my husband I wouldnt have been able to spit it all out. some things are still a surprise to me. Did I really do that? I cannot separate fantasy from reality linked to the cheatings, I have difficulties calling the things I have done with their names. I try and find euphemisms to describe them...is it normal?

Someone IN THIS POST had asked to ALLOW POSTS FROM BS... should I? I need advice form the ones who have been throu this before, the ones that came out victorius, because I want to be the same. I want to be honest, and become a good person.

Please help me find some answers, I am just so confused.

lara,

Welcome back.

What I'm sensing in your post is that you are (or have been) overworked and extremely stressed out. Under stress we can "snap" and do things that are out of character. Not an excuse for cheating, not at all, but what is your daily schedule like right now? If you're working too much and sleeping too little, your road to recovery will be much more difficult.

Is it normal to lock out something from our memories? I am writing a paper for him: my final complete statement about everything that I have done that was out of line, cheating, inappropriate behaviour and so on. It is just so hard and i catch myself in auto censorship

Are you locking it out, or are you censoring because you don't want to hurt your husband with the full truth? That is normal, so normal in fact there's an acronym for it on SI, "TT" or trickle-truthing. We hold back certain details in a misguided attempt to spare our BS additional pain. Or so we tell ourselves. But in the end, all it does is further erode the BS's trust in us.

I cannot recall being sexually abused when I was a kid. But I must also say that I dont have many memories of my childhood.

When you talk about locking out memories, this ^^^ is also normal. From about age 7 to 18, I had zero recollection of the CSA (childhood sexual abuse) I survived. But it came flooding back in vivid detail when I saw the abuser when I was 18.

My husband thinks (and i see he might be very right) I have Borderline personality disorder

Let's leave the diagnosing to the professionals. My entire adult life I was convinced I was a high-functioning sociopath. The "diagnosis by Google" fit almost perfectly. I'm not going to diagnose you either, but I can relate to being terrified that I have some horrible psychological condition. My therapist diagnosed me with PTSD from CSA. It was a huge relief! It's not a contest, but from what you described...the abuse you endured as a child was much, much worse than what I went through.

If you really can't get into IC, are you reading? I highly recommend The Sexual Healing Journey by Wendy Maltz. You will see yourself in its pages.

Yesterday He started sending messages to my affairs. I am afraid he is going to get into trouble. I don't know why he want revenge. he told me he is goin to destroy these people in a way or another. This to me is wrong.

You cannot control BH. Repeat that to yourself. His actions are on him, just like your actions are on you. You can and should express your fears to BH, but I recommend you avoid telling him what to do, or saying it's wrong. Why? Because look at what you did. You had sex with these jerks and now you're dictating right and wrong to BH because he's emailing them? Of course revenge is rarely a solution, but it's also a normal and understandable reaction to infidelity. If he posts on SI about what he's doing, the other BSs will talk him down.

I cannot separate fantasy from reality linked to the cheatings

Have you heard of dissociation? CSA survivors often dissociate, sort of like mentally escaping into a fantasy world, to avoid painful real-life situations. This is probably why you don't remember a lot of your childhood. You dissociated, to protect yourself from the horror around you. Your affairs may have been similar. Mine were. My therapist asked me at my first session if I remembered being with the APs, and she was relieved when I said yes, I did. You've heard of multiple-personality disorder, which they now call DID or dissociative identity disorder? Well I don't have that! Few people do. But I'm guessing that like me, your affairs were a type of dissociation, like you had a "cheater personality" that you'd step into and out of.

ETA:

Someone IN THIS POST had asked to ALLOW POSTS FROM BS... should I?

Personally, no, I think all WSs should keep the stop sign on for their first couple of threads. Hopefully you'll get some more Waywards weighing in here.

[This message edited by 20WrongsVs1 at 7:24 AM, March 3rd, 2014 (Monday)]

20WrongsVs1, thank you very much for your post.

I must say that as suggested by my husband, who has been a more frequent and longer term member of the forum, I am keeping a low stress lifestyle. I go to work every day, I eat more or less regularly, I sleep long hours, but not very well. I seem to have bad dreams that wake me up, but then I don't always remember them. I wake up up to 10 times a night.

I do all I can do rest, I need it for myself and to have the energies to face daily routines. It is something I had taken away from me for those two years when I cheated. I used to drive around the city and then go to work for 18 hours. Sleep was about 2 to 4 hours a day.

About my memories: I don't think I am deliberatly locking details out. I promised to be honest and I want to stick to that. I just find myself lost in memories I cannot place in time or space. I see certain things and I am not sure whether they are real or result of my past fantasies. It scares me.

The same happens with my childhood memories. SOme are vivid and will always be impressed inside my head. Some others I cannot recall. I have no memories up to the age of 8 except a couple of exeptions: 1 attempt of rape when I was 6, the death and funeral of a class mate in 1st grade, the birth of my brother, being locked up inside of dark rooms at my relatives house. All the rest happened after my 8th birthday.

I know ther ei something about my issues that need help and solving. I will find the pages you suggested and read. I am not a fanatic reader, but anything that can help me is very welcome. So thank you.

I am sorry you had to survive childhood abuse as well. I know how terrible it is and I know the fears it leaves in the heart. So for thank thanks for sharing it. You probably understand why I put some of that past personal crap in here. Which was in fact something that I had found out of line. I thought maybe I get misunderstood, and people might think I want to cover up the cheatings with that. Thank you very much for understanding.

I know that my husband can do what he thinks is right. I also know I will never tell him it's wrong to do that thing or this other, I don't really have the premises to be saying anything like that. Anyway, my biggest fear is legal or physical consequences in case he gets directly involved. I couldnt survive losing him. He is everything together woth oour little girl, everything I can hold on to. I have dreamed of this for solong, and I finally got this point after making a huge mess and hurting everybody. To me, the fact that he is still here, with me, wanting to build together is all I could ask for. I am very fortunate, happy and thankful he has decided to stay. It could have been easier to just leave me and not deal with my crap.

I am also afraid I made him look like an abusive violent person, which he is not. He is very kind, we just have had a very damaged relationship in thepast that led us both into destructive behaviour.

I will start IC as soon as I can, I know I need it. and my psychologist knows it all, I am sure. I trust her, she helped me and my brother in the past. I just need to find a way to be able to afford it.

Then I will be able to see more of why and how I react to stress.

In a way I know I cannot be that person again, the one who cheated and had sex being used, the one who sent nude pictures to strangers or brought a freak into the house. I know I am not that anymore.

I need to make sure I get it all out.

I will keep my posts with the stop sign for now...I guess I will know when the right time arrives to welcome BS.

I am sorry for my poor language skills and that sometimes I explain things in a weird way, I am fluent, but still not native...so please understand and don't assume.

thanks

I should post more often. I just get sucked into things, unexpected things...and then feeling overwhelms me: why can't you just do it?

Thing is I want to and then I don't.

I am writing the final statement for my husband: I should have been done 10 days ago, yet I am still half way there. I read some comments on my husband's posts that state it is unacceptable. I am doing my best. I write this in the mornings before I start work, at work, stealing time from work. I have started to post here, so I divide the time I have. I feel terrible.

I want to be done by thursday next week. Its final.

My husband is really nice about it, he knows I am doing my best, but sometimes I feel I am failing his expectations. After all I have done, accepting this delay is very disappointing.

There are moments where I am so disgusted by myself and what I have done I can hardly look at myself. It's a known feeling, I have lived my whole life feeling this way, just for other reasons.

Facing my betrayal, accepting I have cheated, lied and hurt my love is something I'll have to deal with for the rest of my life.

On top ofthat I might be pregnant again, and I know I cannot afford another child. It happened in october last year. Abortion is not something any woman wants to go throu. Yet I am probably going to have to do it again. The only thing that makes me feel at peace is knowing that my husband is next to me. He loves me and he is not leaving me alone in this terrible moment. I will do the test during the week end. Ill be licky enough if the "delay" is only due to high stress. If not, well I'll use some of the "balls" i have spared for need.

I need to be strong. I need to go on, solving when it's time to solve and face what comes.

Consequences are the logical inevitable result of my poor decisions and actions. I was strong anough to get rid of all toxic people, including some of my very best friends. I was able to tell the truth to my husband, after lying and deceiving him for almost two years. I can go on like this. It actually feels good being hionest, sharing everything. It feels good to give love. I am so thankful he is still with me.

I am going to give the best to post more, even -as suggested by a member who is helping - if it's just ac ouple of lines on how I am feeling.

So please be keep up with me and hit me with good and bad.

Lara,

Regarding the "final statement" which I assume is what we usually call a "timeline" here on SI...are you really doing your best? Or are you putting it off because you're reluctant or scared to reveal all the details? If it's the latter, I get it, that is hard. Admit it to yourself, accept that your feelings are valid, but get it done by next Thursday. You say BH is already growing impatient, so setting and meeting a deadline will show him that you care and are committed.

On top of that I might be pregnant again, and I know I cannot afford another child.

Hold on just one second here. Have you heard the expression, "There's no 'I' in 'team'" ? Well, there's no "i" in "pregnant," either. What do you mean, "I cannot afford" another child? You're married. Everything about this potential pregnancy should be "we" not "I." You say you feel like BH left you alone, or you pushed him away, after the abortion in October. From where I'm sitting, another abortion is what you (both!) cannot afford. If this proves to be a false alarm, then you (both) need to take responsibility for family planning. As a team.

I need to be strong...I was strong enough to get rid of all toxic people, including some of my very best friends.

You know how to be strong. You've proven that. But, do you know how to be vulnerable? Do you ever ask for help?