General: Still need help. :( (2024)

Anyone know of a good therapist near San Luis Obispo, CA?

Anyone know if "Survive Her Affair by Kevin Jackson" is helpful? I still have haunting images and can't sleep.

After discovery, I couldn't function and lost my source of income. We lost our house and had to move.

She never wants sex anymore and it only makes things worse. I've been pretending like it doesn't bother me but I can't take this.

LivingOn - SI is not a referral service.

Please look to your local mental health facility for referrals

[This message edited by jo2love at 7:49 PM, September 9th (Sunday)]

Are you telling me that if someone has personal experience that has helped them get through this, they're not allowed to share it for the benefit of others?

And for a moderator, telling me to check with my local mental health facility when they have no clue what we're going through is extremely insensitive.

Not the kind of response I would have expected on SI.

Living,

SI is a caring, supportive site. We do not give out referrals. That is a rule. I do wish you support and strength during this devasting time.

If you have an issue with a guideline or flag, you need to reach out to a mod.

Sorry LI, I can tell from your post you're not just looking for a referal, but trying to reach out for something to make it better. It sounds like you lot a lot, and then rug swept to get through and things re finally coming to a head again. I have no experience with therapists in your area, but that is definitely a good place to start. Do you guys communicate at all about the A? Have you otten your questions answered? Has he been transparent? If not I'm sure this has to be a hell you are going through. Wish you luck in finding a good therapist so you can start to heal.

I am reaching out for something that will make things better. I've had the most help I've ever had by way of understanding support on SI over these last 2 years of Hell.

I posted my questions in the General Forum because it had a broad description and even said "for unmet needs" or something like that.

Finding a good therapist seems impossible. I tried the Peggy Vaughan list but there's no one around, and there's no support groups around either. As though infidelity doesn't exist around here.

The other question was whether or not a book was helpful to anyone.

I think it's an accurate observation that I've been sweeping it and pretending nothing is wrong. It's killing me though. We had such bad advice at the beginning, telling us not to talk details, and now it's too late.

Anyway, I don't know where to get help.

The book wasn't very helpful, IMO.

As far as therapists, I don't know your situation, but if you have insurance you can call for a referral, or maybe even check the provider website. If you're not insured, sometimes universities have no cost clinics, or local government provides low/no cost services.

We're here for you my brother.

LivingOn,

Try not to take the mod's comments personally. It's just restating a rule. If referrals were allowed, SI would have a ton of places SPAM'ing the site and posting advertising for everything from stress-relief and hypnotism clinics to dating sites.

Legal reasons may be tricky for a site, since they would be similar to endorsem*nts? Not sure. I'm not a lawyer.

Bottom lines is that sometimes a counselor helpful to one person will irritate another client. A book is less risky to ask about, since book reviews can be found anywhere, and because a book is not treatment that's costly.

[This message edited by Heavy Sigh at 11:37 PM, September 9th (Sunday)]

Betrayed - it's so frustrating because I keep spending money on what is promised to "help" like a magic pill and make everything better. I watched another one of his advertising videos and he describes the heart racing and inability to sleep, etc. All the PTSD craziness basically. I still get that over 2 years later.

I think it's because I still don't have all the details, and the ones I have, she gave them to me while she was still in the fog, so she told me how great everything was.

You know how everyone always says "it was never as bad as you're imagining" and "it was just sex" and "it probably wasn't even that good," etc.? Well, in my case they're all wrong. It was actually worse than I was expecting. Much, much worse. That's the part I can't get over.

The details would shock anyone. I once told a therapist the details, and I watched his jaw hit the floor and he was literally speechless. He didn't know what to say.

And I don't know how to live with this.

Do you have a primary care physician? I went to mine and explained everything. He gave me some meds to calm me down and then recommended about 3 therapists for me who specialized in what he felt I needed. I chose one and he sent a referral that same day. Is it possible for you to try to take this route?

Heavy - I understand this is a rule now, but the way it reads (and in boldface) comes across in a way that maybe it wasn't intended to.

There are sites like this where people do weigh in on whether or not a therapist has been helpful, and I thought this was one of them. I thought I had read something about it before here.

A good therapist is seemingly impossible to find. They don't know what we're going through unless they've been through it themselves.

Maybe there could be another secret forum for sharing personal experiences with therapists?

notinsane - had one at the time. He prescribed antidepressants and a bunch of other things, and told me I should get a divorce. I lost my job and medical insurance 6 months later. Lost my house 2 years after discovery. Not in a good position but I feel the need to bounce back and dealing with this seems like a very important step.

My suggestion based on your history would be to go to sexhelp.com

A lot of valuable information there that may be applicable to your situation. Keep an open mind.

You can also find therapists with the proper certifications in your area.

LivingOn, maybe you can try this. I also lost my health insurance. This never even crossed my mind until I completely lost my marbles at a family function and my mom took control of the situation before I ended up in the mental hospital.

I'm not sure what your rapport is with your old doctor, but I had been seeing mine for about 2 years. We called and explained the situation, also letting him know there was no insurance. He agreed to see me for a mere $60, regardless of what needed to be discussed. Once I was there, the therapists he offered were at discounted rates, some of them free through students (with supervision) through a university.

Make some calls and see what you can come up with. If you need help (although I am not in CA), I will do my best to help you find something. I think just making that first phone call to your doctor's office may get you headed in the right direction. They often know of programs, etc that we don't always hear about.

Let me know if you need anything.

too trusting - thanks for that link. I will check into it. It does look like it fits just from seeing the home page.

notinsane - I did try that, and he referred me to some mental facility that treats suicidal people. I thought, okay, I have involuntary suicidal ideations, so I'll call. But they charged a fortune, so I didn't go.

If I went to a student, I would shock them with the details and they wouldn't know what to say. I've written to the authors of books on the subject, and they've been horrified and stumped as well.

I really appreciate the help...

LivingOn)))

BH here. In the beginning of your thread you mentioned your WW never wants sex anymore. Why? Does she give a reason?

I am in IC myself. My L recommended the IC as they deal with D and its aftermath all of the time so they already knew of an IC who deals with these issues. I'd ask a L who knows D very well for the name of a good IC. An important first step in finding a good IC is to understand exactly what you're looking to get out of it. Have you determined what you want and need from IC and from WW for that matter. If she isn't giving what you need for R then why not?

She doesn't want it because she says she associates all her sexual feelings with what she did. Great, right? So now another blow. It's good she feels bad for what she's done, but now I never get to have her that way? I'm her husband!

Now it seems like her sex drive is gone completely. I'm glad the family is together, but it's just not the same.

I'd want her to get from IC that she has a split personality and the other woman is a sex addict and deal with that. Then I want her to only want sex with me and to do with me everything she did with the others and more so I can forget about what she did. Or at least deal with it.

She needs to talk to me more as well. She doesn't know how important it is and always gets upset when we do.

Living,

To hope for IC to help her compartmentalize in such a huge manner, would be setting yourself up for serious disappointment.

If she is a SA, that won't work.

An addiction is an addiction. Just as the idea of an alcoholic splitting personalities and working on the drunk part will never work, neither would this.

Being an addict is a complex situation. There isn't one "answer" to why. With sex addiction comes even more complexity.

Your WW lack of interest in sex is a very common component of sex addiction.VERY. I didn't believe my WH was a SA because I didn't think it was possible based on his disinterest in me for years. Read a bit about sexual anorexia. Opened my eyes.

I would also encourage you to ask yourself something our therapist asked often in our support group:

What does it say about you, what's going on with you, that you would want to have sex with someone that doesn't want to have sex with you?

too trusting - interesting research...

To hope for IC to help her compartmentalize in such a huge manner, would be setting yourself up for serious disappointment.

I thought that having a split personality (and I use that term figuratively, maybe not in the accurate medical sense because I don't know for sure that's what it is) - I thought split personality was a form of compartmentalization. So what I mean is, I want her to break down the wall she has built up around that side of her and cure the part where she wants sex with others. Make sense?

If she is a SA, that won't work.

An addiction is an addiction. Just as the idea of an alcoholic splitting personalities and working on the drunk part will never work, neither would this.

Being an addict is a complex situation. There isn't one "answer" to why. With sex addiction comes even more complexity.

From what I have read about SA, it doesn't mean it's the same thing as an alcoholic. Maybe I'm wrong. The strange thing is that she was literally able to turn it all off immediately after discovery. She hasn't cheated since, even though I do check every now and then. At first I checked all the time, of course. Her activity lasted about 3 months, with the full PA happening on two occasions with two different men within 3 days of each other, and I caught her 7 days after that. She was planning to meet with others the very next day but she didn't go. We then went through all the crazy Hell, including hyper-bonding, but then that wore off to zero for her.

I did feel as though every time I started having those feelings, it would send a shock through my system with all the pain, PTSD, the horrific memories and images. It sort of "trained" me to not feel those feelings for a while. I still experience the surge of PTSD whenever she doesn't want sex, because what is happening is I have to use all my mental power to push the other men out of my head so that I can make love to her, but then when she hesitates or says, "hurry up and get it over with" it is just such a huge rejection that it floods my head with what she did with the other men and how excited and enthusiastic she was with them. She put in all this effort for strangers, but I get zero.

We had a talk last night and she told me it was because she holds even the littlest of things against me. This is what she did before doing what she did, and she told all the counselors that she screwed around because I did all these things she held against me for years. Stupid little things that she turned into big things. She holds secret grudges about the smallest of things. One counselor had the sense to see that and told her how wrong she was. I even paid her a compliment in the session and she exploded acting as though I had just insulted her, and the counselor cut her off and told her she needs to learn how to listen!

Your WW lack of interest in sex is a very common component of sex addiction.VERY. I didn't believe my WH was a SA because I didn't think it was possible based on his disinterest in me for years. Read a bit about sexual anorexia. Opened my eyes.

I read about sexual anorexia and I'm not sure if that fits. I think she sought out intimate connections but had meaningless sex to get that from others. She was distancing herself from me and seeking it out in others, I think even secretly wishing one would whisk her off her feet and taker her away from me. She's very outgoing and she can go meet anyone, anywhere, and she's just really fun to be around in that sense. This is torturous to me, because she really is beautiful and every time I see it and see her act that way when we're out, it frustrates me because she rarely acts that way with me when we're alone.

On the other hand, maybe there's more to sexual anorexia and it really does fit. One definition described it as being the flip side to sexual addiction, because they are "bipolar," going from one extreme to the other. So how do we break that down??? The other fear I have is that she goes into overdrive and cheats again.

I would also encourage you to ask yourself something our therapist asked often in our support group:

What does it say about you, what's going on with you, that you would want to have sex with someone that doesn't want to have sex with you?

1) I am a man, and I need sex.

2) She is my wife and the one and only woman I should be having sex with.

3) I love her.

4) If she wanted it, it could be healing.

5) I want (or feel the need) to be the best lover she has ever had.

6) Having sexual feelings towards her, if denied because I know she doesn't want it, brings back the pain and PTSD and images, etc. So I want it so I can stave off all the pain and sleepless nights.

You're probably going to tell me I'm the sexual addict now. Maybe I am. My brain is so messed up from what she did to me.

She said "no" before she cheated, too, but it was not as bad. It still sucked, but I could manage to go to sleep anyway. Now it's not possible anymore.

I am nit going to say you are an addict.

i only have a minute, so all i have time for now, is that you described the extremes yourself, how she just turned it off.

A sex addict is an addict. period. while sex addiction is very very complicated, addiction is addiction, and they hold many similarities. whether shopaholic, gambling, alcohol, or sex.

Sex addiction is further complicated by the betrayal of spouse as well as the rug is in their heads.

None of your reasons for wanting sex with her included how intimate and close you feel.

I had that same list at one time. Realized I gauged the love by how much I did or did not "get" sex.

Sex is a result of intimacy and trust and vulnerability, not a cause.